The Unexpected Power of Surrender

Prior to my shift in consciousness, I would have considered surrender a sign of weakness. Surely, surrendering meant giving up, accepting defeat, or allowing someone else to win?

I had spent decades feeling hurt by life and by the people around me. When someone criticized me, I felt wounded. When someone treated me unfairly, I felt betrayed. My instinct was to defend myself as the ‘victim’, point the finger, and hope that circumstances would change.

I didn't understand that, in doing so, I was giving away my power. 

As long as I believed that other people were responsible for how I felt, my peace depended on their words and actions. I couldn't change them, but I could spend an awful lot of energy wishing that things could be different.

Step 2 of the Choose Again philosophy - It’s About Me - (aka taking responsibility for one’s own thoughts and feelings) challenged me to consider another possibility.  What if my feelings, while real and understandable, were also revealing something about the beliefs I held about myself? 

To illustrate this mindset shift, I’ll share what happened when my coach (Anna) introduced Step 2 while helping resolve a conflict between me and my badminton partner.  When I asked her to intervene, I was mildly affronted when she said that it was up to me to control how I felt. When she added that I had the power to choose how I responded, I nodded obediently, but had no idea what she meant. 

This new way of thinking was so foreign to me that it took months to digest, my inner dialogue unfolding something like this:

Me: But his criticism is hurting me. 

Step 2: He can’t hurt you. You are feeling hurt by his criticism.

Me: If he could just go back to the way we played before, everything would be fine.

Step 2: You can’t change others, but you can change how you respond.

Me: It’s not my problem, though. He’s the one who needs to change.

Step 2: Nope. You are feeling pain because of something that is happening to you.

Me: But, he…

Step 2: No. Look at what’s happening within you. Why are you being triggered?

Me: He is treating me like I’m a crappy badminton player.

Step 2: So, you feel hurt because he doesn’t respect you.

Me: I suppose. But what if he…

Step 2: It’s not about him. He can work on his own ego.

Me: But doesn’t that make me a human doormat?

Step 2: Not at all. If anything, it makes you stronger. 

Me: I don’t get it. How can letting someone walk all over you make you stronger?

Step 2: Use external triggers to recognize your ego. Instead of reacting to hurtful comments, you are observing mistaken beliefs, which you can then release. Control of your life is back in your hands.

Me: Yes… but he still makes me mad.

Step 2: (sigh)

Every time I stepped on court and heard a hurtful comment, I’d feel the pain, followed by this looping dialogue and a seemingly uncontrollable urge to slide into victimhood. It wasn’t until after my shift that the transformative power of this step became clear. 

Looking back, I came to see that every trigger had served a purpose - to shine a light on my ego and highlight the mistaken belief that I didn’t matter - a darkly destructive (but surprisingly common) belief rooted in core shame. Many of us feel unworthy or ‘not enough’ in one way or another.  In unearthing this subconscious belief, I finally had the power to change it. The resulting shift in consciousness even allowed me to be grateful for the pain that had exposed my ego, allowed me to wake up, and ensured a peaceful path forward.  Personal transformation, indeed.

When I think about Step 2 now, I imagine driving around the world's biggest traffic circle, navigating life’s ups and downs with everyone else. When we feel hurt, we might blame someone else and fall into victimhood, or become resentful, angry, and perhaps even vengeful. Feeling increasingly isolated and powerless, we react to the next trigger from that same wounded place.  The traffic circle is a self-perpetuating cycle of suffering. There are plenty of clover leaf offshoots - ways to distract ourselves or temporarily numb the pain - vacations, addictions, and other ways of coping (or, in my case, surviving). But sooner or later, whether managing pain or seeking joy, we find ourselves looping back to the circle and repeating the same patterns. Round and round we go, often unaware that there's a way out.

Step 2 is the exit sign.

Even after Anna told me about Step 2, making the choice to take the exit was unspeakably difficult for me.  

When we're hurt, our instinct is to defend ourselves, lash out, prove we're right, or make the other person responsible for how we feel. Instead of automatically reacting to our triggers, Step 2 asks us to pause - breathe - and become curious.

• Why did that affect me so deeply?

• What am I believing about myself right now?

• Is that belief actually true?*

• What can this experience teach me about myself?

Stopping long enough to look within may feel impossible, but it gets easier with practice. Introspection leads to massive personal growth, expanded consciousness and deeper understanding. All of which opens the door to lasting inner peace.

Being accountable for one’s own life circumstances doesn't make us a doormat. It doesn’t mean the other person was right, that their behaviour was acceptable, or that we shouldn't establish boundaries. It means we stop outsourcing sole responsibility for our inner world. Instead of blaming others for our pain, we reclaim the power to choose how we respond. Instead of relying on others for our happiness, we find joy in aligning with our higher selves.

Imagine what might change if, instead of reacting to anger with anger, criticism with defensiveness, or rejection with retaliation, we became curious about what was happening within us. We might still disagree. We might still need to say no, walk away, or protect ourselves. But we wouldn't have to keep feeding the cycle.

And as more of us choose to exit that giant traffic circle, we might stop passing our hurt along to the next person, and the next, and the next.

Taking responsibility for our feelings isn't about mastering our emotions or never being triggered again. It's about learning to recognize  the moment when we have a choice. We may not manage to take the exit every time, but recognizing  that the exit exists is a powerful beginning.

The next time you're triggered, before you react, pause. Surrender the need to blame. 

Get curious.

Look for the exit.

D 🩵

* No, your negative belief is not true. The Choose Again six-step self-healing method is grounded in faith: the belief that life offers us lessons and that, at a soul level, we are beings of Divine Love. From this perspective, if we align with the belief that we embody Love, then any negative beliefs about our inherent worth must be mistaken.