The Self-Love Myth
I’ve just watched the most extraordinary podcast episode.
Most of you may already know Steven Bartlett from the Diary of a CEO. I’ve watched several of his videos and find him to be intelligent, well-spoken, humble, and authentic. I almost always come away having learned something valuable, so when the magic of algorithms suggested the following video, I watched it while enjoying my breakfast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7BSGdyjAL4 When Jimmy Fallon asked Steven if he had ever had an interview not go as planned, Steven recounted a time when he researched the wrong guest and found himself face to face with someone he knew nothing about. Rather than crumble under pressure, Steven found a way to proceed and filmed a highly successful interview. Curious to see how he pulled it off, I searched “Diary of a CEO, Dr K” and found the aforementioned ‘extraordinary’ video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1ALkQMfkjc&t=9335s
Within a few minutes, it became clear that this was not the interview discussed during the Tonight show clip, but it resonated on so many levels that I watched it all the way through to the end, stopping the video so often to take notes that my breakfast was forgotten and my tea went cold. Every moment resonated with wisdom, insight, and clarity…especially this one by Dr Alok Kanojia (1:54:10) :
“The single most important thing that will determine your future is your sense of who you are.”
All my internal bells and whistles went off. Remembering my true self was the key factor in my personal transformation, but (for me) it went much deeper than cognitive sense. My shift in consciousness came about because I changed a core belief that resided not only in my mind, but also in my heart.
Here are Mahatma Gandhi’s thoughts on the importance of beliefs:
Your beliefs become your thoughts
Your thoughts become your words
Your words become your actions
Your actions become your habits
Your habits become your values
Your values become your destiny
When I believed I didn’t matter, and that nobody loved me, I suffered for decades, addicted to a victim mindset and craving external validation like a drug. It was an empty life, without purpose or direction and crippled by loneliness.
How did I break free from such darkness? I challenged my ego by questioning the belief that I didn’t matter. Was this belief really true? No. It was a mistaken belief based on the way I had been treated. Since energy cannot be destroyed, only changed, I replaced the old belief with a new belief - that the truth of who I am at a soul level is the energy of Divine Love. (This is not actually a new belief, but it was new to me.) The belief that we embody Divine Love dates back to the gospels of Mary Magdalene, which have been sheltered, sustained, and interpreted in various teachings throughout history. One of these teachings is A Course in Miracles, published in 1976 and written by Helen Schucman, a book which inspired the Choose Again philosophy that saved my life. The Choose Again philosophy states that if we believe we are Divine Love, then we can’t possibly be anything else. We can’t be unlovable, broken, lacking…or any other negative belief that we picked up in childhood. Negative beliefs are a mistake based on how we were raised, and reinforced by the multiple emotional experiences that shaped our lives, built our personal history, and created our ego. In Sanskrit, the ego is “Ahamkara” which means I am doer, or I am maker. This false sense of self is a spiritual obstacle that blocks us from our soul. The soul is a limitless energy of Love and light that simply states, “I am.”
It is my fervent belief that my story is not unique. Many of us have forgotten our true Selves beneath layers of trauma, betrayal, loss, and health challenges - a normal state of existence, given current global events and the perpetual weight of human responsibilities. Even more people exist (as I had done for most of my life) not even believing that we have a soul. This is also normal, and ties into a spiritual idea that we are born with a clean slate under a ‘veil of forgetfulness’ as part of our soul’s evolution. (Seems hardly fair to me, but I’ll leave it up to you to investigate this concept further if you wish.) Knowing all of this, I wondered if it is possible to bypass trauma and shift consciousness simply by accepting the belief that we embody Divine Love, thereby remembering and reconnecting with our soul. My gut says, “no” - but I’d be happy to be proven wrong. My awakening experience leads me to believe that each of us needs to examine our unique personal history in order to unravel anxiety from past trauma. Understanding what it is that drives you will create distance from the emotional pain and allow you to see traumatic life events as important life lessons. Recognizing and accepting these lessons enables you to transmute the negative energy through forgiveness and release the pain, at which point you will find yourself (seemingly miraculously) reunited with your soul, which leads to clarity, relief, joy, gratitude, and peace.
Steven Bartlett and Dr Alok Kanojia hit on some beautiful points throughout the interview, clarifying the concept of self-care and recommending ways to begin to understand oneself, so I highly recommend that you take the time to watch the full video. Both men were brave enough to be honest and transparent - qualities that are necessary for successful introspection. When digging deeper into his own ego, Steven admitted that he has trouble sitting still, and that perhaps he uses childhood trauma for motivation. Dr K confirmed that it is possible to use negative energies such as fear, anger, and shame to launch yourself out of feelings of stuckness (lack of purpose). Dr K referred to this negative energy as ‘toxic fuel ' and suggested that perhaps this was the path to happiness. His comment stopped me cold, and I kind of thought he was joking…or missing an important point…but then he redeemed himself at 2:17:12 when he said that we are looking for inner peace in the wrong place. “You will never succeed if you are relying on the outside world to make you happy.” When discussing the journey to healing, Steven raised the question of ‘Mukti’ (Sanskrit for enlightenment), wondered how to get there, and asked Dr K, “Are you there?” To which Dr K replied, with admirable honesty, “No.” Steven further probed, “How do I get there; how does anyone get there?” As Dr K reiterated his advice to ‘just sit’ (the vitally important practice of introspection), I knew he was missing the golden key to inner peace and found myself shouting at my computer screen…”Replace toxic fuel with Love!”
The only path to inner peace is Love. Not human love (which varies and changes), and not even spiritual love (which varies but never changes), but Divine Love. This kind of love is difficult to explain, but if you have ever been loved for your authentic, warts-and-all self (not for your money, your reputation, looks, power, or other external attributes), then you will have known unconditional love. Memories of this type of love prevented me from ending my life but did not have the power to do battle with my ego. Divine Love has that power. Divine Love is Source Energy - an energy that exceeds human understanding - and is (paradoxically) housed within the heart of every human on the planet. We just need to remember that it is there. If you can defeat your ego and remember your soul, the power of Divine Love will blow your mind in the most wonderful way - clearing the cobwebs of confusion, overthinking, judgment, and blame - leaving room for clarity, passion and true purpose.
There is a widely-believed myth that introspection is a waste of time (narcissistic even), and that when you reach enlightenment, you lose your passion and drive, but neither couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you ditch your ego and reconnect with your soul, you tap into infinite energy and raise your vibration to heights you could never have imagined, all of which allows you to bring your best Self to the team. Imagine - if everyone could break free from a victim mindset, and choose to follow their heart instead of their ego, we could save ourselves, save each other, and save the planet. Taking time to “find yourself” is anything but narcissism, it’s necessary. Self-discovery is fundamental to our overall well-being and is what we are meant to be doing with our lives.
Self-Love is the answer.
When you change your beliefs, you change your destiny.
D
