Forgiveness and the Inner Child

What I discovered when I stopped blaming myself

“What makes us unable to forgive, is how much our mind is tormented by hurt, anger and resentment. Even if what’s causing our pain happened years, or even decades ago, that emotion still feels fresh, because it is locked into the mind.” (Gelong Thubten)

Until my shift, I didn't understand forgiveness.

Forgiving people who had betrayed me seemed like weakness. Why would I give power to someone who had caused me pain?

From a human perspective, resentment is often described as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness doesn't mean tolerating unacceptable behaviour or allowing someone to hurt you again. You can set boundaries, walk away, and still let go of resentment. Just, stop drinking the poison.

Forgiveness is not for them. It's for you.

Further to the quote from Gelong Thubten, the cause of my pain was locked, not just in my mind, but in my heart.

I had spent decades believing that I didn't matter. A belief that shaped the truth of how I saw myself, other people, and the world. It created fear, resentment, blame and, ultimately, a victim identity. When I dropped the victim mindset and took responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings, it became clear how such a negative belief had become lodged in my heart.

The Inner Child

We all begin life dependent on others - to feel safe, seen, understood and loved. When those needs aren't met, a child has to make sense of it somehow. As 2-year-old, I didn’t have the capacity to to understand anything beyond my own experience, so I began to believe my feelings:

I'm alone.
No one cares.
It's not safe.
I'm not enough.
I don't matter.

These mistaken beliefs developed year after year, layer upon layer, into an ego identity that led me down a very dark path.

Thankfully, I learned that the process of creating negative beliefs was not my fault. I could choose to see this process either as a mistake, based on how I had been treated, or I could accept that important lessons had been offered simply based on how my life had unfolded. Amid all the human suffering, I had forgotten that at my core, at a soul level, I am inherently worthy. As are we all. This new understanding allowed me to have compassion for my Self and my inner child, which unlocked the door to forgiveness.

Forgiving the belief

So, my deepest work wasn't about forgiving the people who had hurt me. It was about forgiving myself for believing that I didn't matter. Easier said than done. But, I had reached a point where I had nothing left to lose, so I took a stand. I faced my ego and declared, “You're wrong. I’m not listening to you anymore.”

And then, in front of a circle of friends, I looked deep into my soul and delivered the following affirmation:

“I forgive myself for believing that I do not matter.”

The shift happened about five hours later. I could almost hear the lock clicking open as my ego stepped down.

Not because I had convinced myself to think positively. Not because I had talked myself out of my pain. But because I was finally willing to surrender the belief that had defined me for decades.

The child who had believed she was unworthy had never been unworthy at all. She had simply believed a story that had helped her to survive.

There was no one to blame. Not her. Not me. Not even the people I had spent years resenting.

Forgiveness rose from this understanding, from a newly opened heart, and from Love.

And with forgiveness came space for a remembrance of who I truly am.

How? Here are the keys to freedom

• First - in whatever way works best for you (meditation, breath work, visualization) - connect with your inner critic/ego and mentally affirm: “You’re wrong. I’m not listening to you anymore.”  And mean it. Right down to your toes, with every cell in your body.

• Then connect with Love.  Imagine a tiny light within your heart and visualize the light bearer - your inner child. Set the intention to defend this beautiful soul of love and light as if your future depends upon it (because it does).

  If you find yourself weeping or notice that your body is beginning to shake with resistance, you are doing it right. The ego will not go down without a fight.

• Supported by Love, empathy, and inner wisdom, understand that the mistaken belief was not your inner child’s fault. It was not your fault. There is no one to blame.  The mistaken belief is a catalyst for change and remembrance.

• Vow with your whole heart and soul to protect the light. With as much power and sincerity as you can muster, speak a verbal affirmation, forgiving all aspects of yourself for the mistaken belief. For example, “I forgive myself for believing that I do not matter.” Repeat the affirmation aloud until you sense a shift, a release, an unlocking. Repeat the affirmation until you feel your body, mind, heart and soul discard the old and accept the new: that you do, in fact, matter. That Love matters.

Bolstered by belief, empathy, acceptance, courage, and honesty, you reconnect with your higher Self and remember your soul…while your ego crumbles into dust. 

Difficult?  Yes. 

Impossible?  No.  

With love and encouragement,

D 🩵